Everything is fragmented.

I think I’m slowly having a grip on things. On what they mean. But it’s not always a good thing. I wish for structure, some semblance of an aim – a goal or a destination.

I can see me now. It hasn’t always been that way.

One day I was looking out the window and saw the leaves of a tree swaying to wind. Slowly, in the mild heat of the day. It was like an epiphany, a clarity that strikes you when you least expect it. When you weren’t even searching. My life now is imperfect. There are times when I barely feel alive. Going through the motions, wasting time, erasing memories, breathing just because there’s nothing else to do. I no longer fear fear; I don’t fear solitude. I only fear that the things I hold close to the chest are dwindling. Now I anchor myself as I hold the ropes for others. Someday I’m going to have to pass the reigns. And it will be all right.

I don’t wish for perfection. I already feel complete. Albeit fragmented.

I don’t think I have to spell out how and why owning a credit card (or credit cards) can be a cause of real trouble. The temptation to purchase things you don’t really need for amounts you can’t really pay in a credit cycle can sometimes be just too much to fight against. First, you’ll get excited with the notion that because you’ve been approved by a credit card company and they provided you with a decent credit limit, you’re somewhat a little more special now. Now you have privileges not all people are lucky to have. You’ll look at the things you’ve always been wanting to have but you previously felt to be mere luxuries more than necessities, and then think again. You buy through credits, then you pay on time. Because you’re such a reliable borrower, the credit card company increases your spending limit. You’ll get giddy all over again and might become more bold in purchasing more extravagant things. The next thing you know, your bills are piling up and you find your self neck-deep in debt. Month after month, you pay the minimum amount for credit card balances that sometimes is almost as much as your finance charges. In short, your credit card balance decreases slower than an ant can travel from the Philippines to Singapore. That is, if you’re able to pay any amount at all. To do some credit repair, you might think of applying for a bank loan with advertised lower rates, thinking the installment scheme is a smarter way to improve credit. But that may work but only if you cut the source of your woes, bad credit cards, in the first place. You cannot improve credit score otherwise. The rule here, as anywhere, is, when you get a second chance, don’t mess it up. It’s bad enough to spend all your hard-earned money paying loans; settling credit dispute is a potentially messier and very unattractive prospect.

I am, O Anxious One. Don’t you hear my voice
surging forth with all my earthly feelings?
They yearn so high, that they have sprouted wings
and whitely fly in circles round your face.
My soul, dressed in silence, rises up
and stands alone before you: can’t you see?
don’t you know that my prayer is growing ripe
upon your vision as upon a tree?

If you are the dreamer, I am what you dream.
But when you want to wake, I am your wish,
and I grow strong with all magnificence
and turn myself into a star’s vast silence
above the strange and distant city, Time.

Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated from the German text by Stephen Mitchell

For so long, I wanted to learn about photography. Looking at a particularly well-taken photograph – I especially love the dramatic ones with dark hues- is almost like reading poetry for me. Admittedly, I kind of lost a little of the enthusiasm when I realized everybody now seems to go gaga over digital cameras, and later digital SLR cameras, almost as much as people go crazy over cellular phones. That’s a lame excuse, I know. Truth is, at the back of my mind, I know I’d still want to pursue photography. I’m more interested about stories within photographs so I’m thinking along the lines of photojournalism.

Probably simpler and more feasible, photography blogging may be the eventual path I’ll follow. That is, if ever I’ll find the time and the luxury of spending money on a rather expensive hobby. A photographer blog like PhotographyBlogger.com can be helpful in scavenging for the latest information about photography, like the latest technologies and equipment, techniques, and possibly samples of great-looking photos. I know photo blogging isn’t exactly a novelty – it’s all over the Internet; everybody has one, at least every other potential and aspiring photographer out there. But I guess if you have better motivation that just joining the bandwagon, photography blogging can become a fulfilling endeavor.

I saw a pile of resumes recently from applicants at the office and it made me laugh out loud. No, I don’t have anything against prospective coworkers. It just reminded me of my own resume when I was looking for a job right after college. I honestly don’t know how the people who screened me ever decided to give me a chance.

I remember exactly how mine didn’t look like a professional resume at all. I prepared it using an electronic typewriter that my parents bought for me during college (computers were just beginning to be “in” back then, ugh!). The font was very thin and the entries look like typical typewritten letters. I thought it was fine; I told myself, “They don’t expect an executive resume, right?” It was barely two pages, as  I didn’t have any credentials (not that I have tons now, after 8 years), and the photo I used was horrible and I’m not being overly dramatic about it.

At least now I know better. The next time I’ll need to prepare another resume, I’m going to use a professional resume writer. And I’m going to use a better picture – one that doesn’t look like I’ve just woken up and garbed in my bed clothes.

I heard the term “eco-fashion” first in Project Runway but I didn’t really bother to research about what it means. I thought at first it’s about wearing biodegradables. Yeah, that sounds foolish, especially if I’ll say that I was thinking about leaves and stuff, for women’s clothing no less.

Actually, eco-fashion is about making clothes that take into account the environment, the health of consumers, and the working conditions of people in the fashion industry. Eco-friendly clothes are made using organic raw materials, for example, cotton grown without pesticides or silk made by worms fed on organic trees. Harmful chemicals and beaches were also not used; and most are made of recycled or reused textiles. The people involved in the manufacture are also supposedly enjoying the benifits of fair trade – which means they are paid well and are working in decent conditions. Pretty cool, huh?!

So the next time you think about shopping for clothes, think about eco-friendly brands if they are available in your area.

I just want to share these few helpful information I researched about cardiovascular health. Having the genetic predisposition to hypertension, I’m rather paranoid whenever I’m feeling woozy and breathless. I’ve once consulted an internist when the dizziness and heavy feeling in the chest became rather intense and I was told that I’m borderline hypertensive. I’m never at ease when inside a hospital or clinic so I didn’t come back for reassessment when I finally felt good after weeks of watching my diet and trying to be physically active. I guess continuing to be physically active is helping me a lot, even if my diet went back to meaty-salty-fatty-processed food – something that I’m now hoping to avoid again.

Here are some symptoms that I found points to cardiovascular problems: A tightness or weighty feeling in the chest (that can spread to arms, neck, and throat) and breathlessness or choking feeling may be symptoms of angina. This is caused by restricted blood flow in the arteries. Sufferers of this type of disease take medications that thin the blood, and sometimes more drastic therapy like EDTA oral chelation. Oral chelation (e.g., EDTA) is used to remove calcium deposits and other minerals and heavy metals out of the body, resulting in clean arteries. Other signs of arterial blockade, which might need forms of chelation therapy, are cold feeling and pain in the arms or legs, memory impairment, lack of energy, and breathlessness over a slight exertion.

Of course, no one should self-diagnose, especially for those without medical background. Researching for symptoms can sometimes be a helpful thing; other times, it can only lead to paranoia (you’ll find that whatever you’re feeling has some scary medical jargon search results) and wrong diagnosis of symptoms. And don’t self-medicate. Even if you have reason to believe that EDTA chelation therapy is for you, it’s always best to consult your doctor first.

Spend an entire night online, sleep by 6 am, wake up by 10, and go to work by 12 noon. Render overtime and go home by 11 pm. Walk sluggishly to the tricycle terminal and board the first vehicle on the line, although you see that the driver is sleeping on his motorcycle. Sit inside the trike without saying a word when you’re certain that the force of your weight has awaken the driver. Stare blankly into space for about two minutes before realizing that you’re still not moving. Nudge the driver who has been staring blankly into space and is probably unaware of your presence. Get home and go straight to bed.

Really, I should stop typing. Goodnight.

O trees of life, O when are you wintering?

We are not unified. We have no instincts

like those of migratory birds. Useless, and late,

we force ourselves, suddenly, onto the wind,

and fall down to an indifferent lake.

We realise flowering and fading together.

And somewhere lions still roam. Never knowing,

as long as they have their splendour, of any weakness.

From the Fourth Elegy
Duino Elegies (Rainer Maria Rilke)
Translation by A.S. Kline

When my sisters and I watched Lea Salonga’s concert My Life On Stage at the PICC a few months ago, I was so fascinated by the lights on the ceiling of the lobby. I don’t know if it’s just because it was so dark outside and we just came from a really great show that I was just too happy to take pictures of the ceiling light fixtures there. It was so grand and rather dramatic. I’ll post some pictures here later.

I imagine such light fixtures on a really large venue will take long to install. It must cost a fortune, too. Home lighting may be easier to find, especially if you’re not really into chandeliers and other extravagant stuff. You can even buy such things online. Well, I really need just one energy-saving lamp for my room. The one I have now, I bought two years ago and is still working fine. I wish I have a bedside lamp, though, for use at night.